Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Narrative Essay Number Fourteen

I. The Day I turned 13.
II. I woke up and called a friend at 11:30 and he came to my house so we could play video games. Then later that day we went to see The Lorax movie. It was really good too. But really, Zach Efron is a loser! But it was good nonetheless.
III. On the way home we went to Wal-Mart. In which I got candy. Epic candy like gum and Mike and Ike's.
IV. Earlier that week I went to Key Lime Cove with my friend and My Family. It was great swimming with my niece and nephew in the water. They we went to Rainforest Cafe and chilled out in the mall.
V. But when I think about it, there was nothing really swell about it. I mean it was fun but I lost my voice and chewed more gum. So when you think about inhaling the air in the pool room think twice or you'll lose your voice.
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15 comments:

  1. BuddytheElfApril 11, 2012 at 6:40 PM

    Needs to be in paragraph form

    Sounds fun

    Great narrative no spelling errors

    ReplyDelete
  2. Magic105April 11, 2012 at 6:41 PM

    You didnt have to number your paragraphs.

    It didnt sound like you had fun in the end.

    How did you loose your voice?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Magic105April 14, 2012 at 8:24 AM

      For the 3rd comment I ment to say: So you lost your voice by inhaling the air in the pool room?
      How do you loose your voice by doing that?

      Delete
  3. flower powerApril 12, 2012 at 11:27 AM

    I liked your essy.

    Wait so did you loose your voice inhaling air in the pool.

    I did not see any spelling mistakes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousApril 12, 2012 at 5:22 PM

    Your essay was not in paragraph form.

    You spelled then wrong in IV.

    Your essay sounded like you had fun.

    ReplyDelete
  5. shadowhunter252April 13, 2012 at 4:34 PM

    I didn't like this essay at all. I didn't make any sense.... There is about 5 place's in this essay, if I were you I would keep it in only one location.

    ReplyDelete
  6. JurxssicaApril 13, 2012 at 4:36 PM

    It sounded like you had fun

    One mistake in IV.

    I don't get how you inhale the pool

    ReplyDelete
  7. regectedgoodsideApril 14, 2012 at 11:37 AM

    in the last sentence in IV i think you mean "then"
    sounds like you had a fun time
    you were very detailed nice job

    ReplyDelete
  8. Big Bay BluesApril 15, 2012 at 8:08 AM

    Get rid off the roman numeral
    In IV you put they but I think you meant then
    Very good detail loved the essay

    ReplyDelete
  9. Left 4 Dead GirlApril 15, 2012 at 10:43 AM

    It needs to be in paragraph form.

    The places you went to sounds exciting.

    I liked the detail you put in.

    ReplyDelete
  10. SWAGmonsterApril 15, 2012 at 11:14 AM

    It needs to be in paragragh form

    I liked the detail you put into it, it made the story intresting

    i didnt get the V. becuase how do you inhale a pool or the air in the pool?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Exibitioner99April 15, 2012 at 4:41 PM

    I like how at the end you warn people about inhaling the air in the pool area, you should put it in paragraph form, and I like how you inform us on what you did that day.

    ReplyDelete
  12. puppet masterApril 15, 2012 at 5:27 PM

    You should put comas in III. instead of periods. Not in paragrapgh form its like and outline but not. stay on topic your transitions were bad.

    ReplyDelete
  13. AnonymousApril 15, 2012 at 6:17 PM

    Should be in a paragragh.

    Stay on topic.

    Sounds fun

    ReplyDelete

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