Do you remember the first time you ever saw a concert? Well my first concert was very exciting for me, my family and friends.
I went with my mom, my little sister and my cousin and my friends. We were all just hanging out around at Six Flags Great America, having fun and riding rides. Then we found out that Mike Posner was there for a concert.
My friend's mom met us at the entrance with tickets to see him. It looked like it was going to rain. By the time we were by the entrance it started to drizzle. By the time everyone was in their seats it started to pour.
When the music started and no one could hear rain from all the loud music. The music was so loud it probably could be heard from outside! There was a guest star named Miguel we didn't really like him that much except for my mom.
Finally, Mike Posner came out and we loved it. We sang along with every song with every song that he sang. Our favorite song that he sang was "Cooler than me". While we were all singing and dancing my little sister fell asleep. After the concert we went outside and even though the rain stopped everything was wet (including my sister's stroller).
My first concert was really fun because my friends and family were there with me.
You have a couple mistakes.
ReplyDeleteFourth paragraph, first sentence, the sentence doesn't make sense with and in it.
Fourth paragraph, second sentence, doesn't make sense either.
Space your paragraph
ReplyDeletebe more detailed
try not to use the same phrase twice example "By the time we were by the entrance it started to drizzle. By the time everyone was in their seats it started to pour."
I liked your essy alot.
ReplyDeleteIn your last pargraph second sentence you said with every song twice.
You should make you essy more detailed
Good job I enjoyed reading this.
In the fifth paragraph you said every song twice.
ReplyDeleteTry to make your essay more detailed.
I liked your article because it was interesting.
I meant to say essay.
DeleteI didn't really like this essay. The whole thing that you were at Six Flags should have been a whole different essay all by itself, and same for the concert to. This needs a lot of work in order to make it a good essay.
ReplyDeleteGreat essay!
ReplyDeleteSpace you're pragaphs
I enjoyed the essay
i didn't really understand the first sentence in the 4th paragraph
ReplyDeleteneeds a bit more details
nice essay overall
I loved this essay!
ReplyDeleteyou should space your paragraphs
I think in some parts you added to much detail.
In the third paragraph I think you should merge the second and third sentences, in the fourth paragraph first sentence you should get rid of the "and", and in the fourth paragraph first sentence you should put "the" between "hear" and "rain".
ReplyDeleteA very good essay
ReplyDeleteSpace your paragraphs
Put and between "hear" and "rain"
I loved this essay.
ReplyDeleteI didn't find any spelling mistakes, but space your paragraphs.
It was very interesting and fun.
In the first paragrapgh you should have went in the order of naming names with you being last and saying "I". In the second paragrapg you named who you went with and put and "my cousin, and my friends". You should have only put "and" with "my friends." Come up with new words in third paragrapgh you went "by the time" 3 times.
ReplyDeleteI liked it
ReplyDeleteI think your grammer was not good say so and so and i like say there name first and then yours.
no spelling mistakes
This was an alright topic and outline but I honestly didn't enjoy the topic. And I have only been to Jingle Bash but that was it. Nonetheless this outline wasn't the worst.
ReplyDelete